Reflecting on 14 years

For me, it was a difficult time. Depressed? For sure. I just lost my mom. It was less than a week after my 27th birthday. It was the week before Mother’s Day. It was a difficult time and I was as lost as I was 7 years before when she was diagnosed. For so long my life had focused on my mom and supporting her and being part of that team. Now, what was I supposed to do? Not to say I regret what I went through or put others through, but I could have done it better. I tried to be strong. I tried to keep up my strength. It was what was expected of me. I was expected to be put through everything and be okay. When I showed weakness it came back to me and I was forced to defend myself. I never tried to use the “my mom just died excuse.” In fact, I cannot remember doing that often at all. Again, I had to show the strength.

support of friends

Celebrating her.

For years I went through the motions in many aspects of my life and I did not do what I should have done which was take time for myself and take into account the realization of what the last 14 years just meant to me. I did not open up to the ones I should have. I was drunk. I was drunk with the realizations of life and losing my mom. Eventually, I dealt with my feelings but not in the best ways. No, it was not drugs or alcohol. It was anger and pushing people away. I pushed everyone away. That was easy. It is partly what lead to my eventual divorce and separating from friends that were close, even family. I appeared angry but that wasn’t it. I had made a conscious decision to start focusing on myself.

 

Mom's flower. My symbol of strength

Mom’s flower. My symbol of strength

 

So for the past few years that is what I have done. In 2012, I left probation. I loved being a probation officer. Doing the work I did was so meaningful and made a lot of changes to my life and others. After years, I realized I needed changes in my life. My mom never saw me become a probation officer. She didn’t get to see all the work and accolades I received.

Also, I decided that overall it was just unhealthy for me. It was difficult to see people who didn’t have the experience as I did, or the work ethic as I did, were promoted over me I realized I needed some change.  When I was asked about my car being vandalized by two other officers, and then subsequently being hazed for reporting them, I knew I needed to leave. Especially when they nothing happened and county HR said it “was just a couple office people joking around.”

So one day when I played golf with my old boss, my mentor from all those years ago, he asked me if I really wanted to move on. That is how I eventually wound up here, in the Middle East. I leave in a few weeks for Rhode Island and I still think about all those years I went through with my mom. I miss my mom. Not a day goes by that I don’t miss her or think about her. I still want to call her and talk about what is on my mind and experiences. Although she is not here to do so, I know she is with me no matter what I do or where I go.

So…I started writing this when I woke up this morning, and now it is dinner time. I have not made many edits to it, so I apologize for misspellings or weird grammar. I am not sure how or if I will post this, but hope to share it for those who have gone through this or are going through this. What have I learned through all of this experience? It really does come down to Live. Laugh. Love.

last photo with mom 

Live everyday. Live every experience you can.

Laugh. Laugh at anything and everything. JUST LAUGH! A small smile lasts a lifetime. It is what got us through. Still does.

Love. Tell the ones you love that you love them. If you are thinking about them, grab the phone and send a text. Just do it. At least you know that if something happens they will know.

family in backyard 1

Thanks for reading.

143 Always, All ways.

 

 

 

8 thoughts on “Reflecting on 14 years

  1. Speechless and teary-eyed Noah. Beautifully written with so much love. I know your Mom is so proud of you. Nice tribute.

  2. That was an amazing story…it brought back a lot of memories of things that I went through with my dad. I lived much of the same routine and i, too, have 14 years…my dad died when I was 14 (we were freshman) and was sick my whole life. I did not realize it before, but both my dad and your mom died on the same day. Thanks for bringing back memories…it has been a along time since I had thought about all I went through and it is nice to know that I am not alone.

    Kim

    • Kim,

      It is amazing sharing your story or going through something that you find out someone always has something similar. It is helpful for other just starting to go through everything that also makes sharing things so worth it as well so that they know they are not alone.

      Thanks for reading.

  3. Noah… Your story had touched David and I to the deepest level of our soul. David’s mom passed away 2 weeks ago.
    I read your story out loud roof David tonight and it took us a long time,, in between crying,, laughing,, and reliving our favorite mom stories.
    Thank you for sharing your story.
    It had helped us more than you know.
    You are a special man with a special mom connection.

    Thank you!
    Patti and Dave
    Xo

Thanks for reading. Love to hear from you! :)