For me, it was a difficult time. Depressed? For sure. I just lost my mom. It was less than a week after my 27th birthday. It was the week before Mother’s Day. It was a difficult time and I was as lost as I was 7 years before when she was diagnosed. For so long my life had focused on my mom and supporting her and being part of that team. Now, what was I supposed to do? Not to say I regret what I went through or put others through, but I could have done it better. I tried to be strong. I tried to keep up my strength. It was what was expected of me. I was expected to be put through everything and be okay. When I showed weakness it came back to me and I was forced to defend myself. I never tried to use the “my mom just died excuse.” In fact, I cannot remember doing that often at all. Again, I had to show the strength.
For years I went through the motions in many aspects of my life and I did not do what I should have done which was take time for myself and take into account the realization of what the last 14 years just meant to me. I did not open up to the ones I should have. I was drunk. I was drunk with the realizations of life and losing my mom. Eventually, I dealt with my feelings but not in the best ways. No, it was not drugs or alcohol. It was anger and pushing people away. I pushed everyone away. That was easy. It is partly what lead to my eventual divorce and separating from friends that were close, even family. I appeared angry but that wasn’t it. I had made a conscious decision to start focusing on myself.
So for the past few years that is what I have done. In 2012, I left probation. I loved being a probation officer. Doing the work I did was so meaningful and made a lot of changes to my life and others. After years, I realized I needed changes in my life. My mom never saw me become a probation officer. She didn’t get to see all the work and accolades I received.
Also, I decided that overall it was just unhealthy for me. It was difficult to see people who didn’t have the experience as I did, or the work ethic as I did, were promoted over me I realized I needed some change. When I was asked about my car being vandalized by two other officers, and then subsequently being hazed for reporting them, I knew I needed to leave. Especially when they nothing happened and county HR said it “was just a couple office people joking around.”
So one day when I played golf with my old boss, my mentor from all those years ago, he asked me if I really wanted to move on. That is how I eventually wound up here, in the Middle East. I leave in a few weeks for Rhode Island and I still think about all those years I went through with my mom. I miss my mom. Not a day goes by that I don’t miss her or think about her. I still want to call her and talk about what is on my mind and experiences. Although she is not here to do so, I know she is with me no matter what I do or where I go.
So…I started writing this when I woke up this morning, and now it is dinner time. I have not made many edits to it, so I apologize for misspellings or weird grammar. I am not sure how or if I will post this, but hope to share it for those who have gone through this or are going through this. What have I learned through all of this experience? It really does come down to Live. Laugh. Love.
Live everyday. Live every experience you can.
Laugh. Laugh at anything and everything. JUST LAUGH! A small smile lasts a lifetime. It is what got us through. Still does.
Love. Tell the ones you love that you love them. If you are thinking about them, grab the phone and send a text. Just do it. At least you know that if something happens they will know.
Thanks for reading.
143 Always, All ways.